Friday, November 20, 2009

Open Apology

Dear Cousin,

For years I've lived with the guilt of my misdoing.  I realize we were young, but there is no excuse for my behavior on that dreadful day, so many years ago.

Mom and dad took their annual excursion to Mexico but decided to leave me in your parents care.  Perhaps I was angry for being left behind and not included in the two day trek.  Maybe I was concerned that they would forget to bring my supply of cajeta and I'd have to resort to munching on wood chips with caramel to feed my addiction.  I honestly do not recall what triggered my ill temper, however, I do know an apology is long overdue.

I'm certain you recall the day; we woke early and quickly drank down our ponche, followed by a soft boiled egg.  We played in your bedroom for a while; Barbies, I'm sure.  We laid on the floor and drew, or rather you drew while I watched your skillful hand fill request after request for yet another of your sketches which  I later took to school to show off.

Before we knew it, it was lunch time.  Sandwiches were on the menu that day, followed by scrumptious homemade greasy donuts. Thinking back, I don't doubt the effect those donuts must have had on me.  Being the glutton I was...okay, still am....I recall eating more than my share until Auntie cut me off putting the donuts beyond my reach and sent us outside to play. 

We hit the backyard with purpose; both headed for the tricycle without regard for who might go down in the process.  One trike, two bodies, someone was gonna cry.  I still blame the effect of the donuts for slowing me down, doesn't matter now won.  The tricycle was yours; for the time being anyway.

I tried to entertain myself by running around after you as you skillfully took every turn in that 12 x 12 foot patio.  A speedway it wasn't but man you could maneuver that trike, Mario Andretti had nothing on you.  I'd forgotten how long it had been since my last visit but it was obvious you'd  been practicing.

Initially my chasing you around was fun enough but after about the 10th round, it was starting to get old...I wanted my turn and I wanted it now.  You refused.  I whinningly expressed my frustration and concern that you had had a fair amount of time but you just weren't ready to give up the trike.  I pleaded, begged and attempted sweet offers but you weren't biting.  Finally, I lost it. I called you something I'd regret for the rest of my life; "Stupid".  Even I had a hard time believing I'd said it, but I had "Stupid, stupid, stupid!".  I still recall the look that washed over your face.  I went from being your loving cousin to pond scum within seconds.  Crusty old gum at the bottom of a chair had more worth than I at that very moment.  I can hear your voice as you called out to me repeatedly to stop.  It was too late, I'd gone too far, I'd lost respect not only for you, dear God, but for myself.  My voice rang out again "Stooo-ooo-ooo-pid!".  I was out of control but the pain I was causing you gave me a sense of power until....I the doorway stood, your mom, my auntie, listening in disbelief.  I didn't know which way to turn.  Not only had I used foul, filthy, disgusting language, I'd been caught.

Regret immediately swallowed me up followed by shame for having used such language.  When had the "S" word had crept into my vocabulary?  How could I have stooped so low, I'll never know.  I tried playing the victim to your mom but she wasn't buying.  I, crusty old gum that I was, angered your mom so much I doubt she was ever the same.   I know she limited my donut intake from that day forward.  Could I blame her?

Now, so many years later, I find it necessary to free myself of the guilt by asking your forgiveness.  I'm not sure that I'm deserving, but it's a chance I have to take.  I know the distance has made it impossible for us to share as much as we'd like but just so you know I've tattooed a tear drop below my right eye in your honor.

Just as dry, crusty gum cannot bubble, until I hear you have forgiven me I will find no joy.  I apologize from the depths of my heart.

Unable to bubble in L.A.,

Elizabeth    well....Marie Elizabeth...Leonard    well...Marie Elizabeth Boza


Castles Crowns and Cottages said...

OMG, I am moved...I was coming in response to your comment on my PINK DREAMS (you're lucky you don't remember your dreams!!!), and I am have touched my soul. Of course, I love you, and forgive you. Thank you so much. I will email you. Mille bisous (a thousand kisses), Anita

Shabbychicdiva said...

Lovely post! Thanks for visiting me. Come again soon! Have a great weekend. Happy Thanksgiving!Winona

Bunny said...

First of all, are you sure that's the only thing you have to apologizes Secondly, is that a real tear or did you get initiated into a gang? Thirdly, we never say the stu word...EVER! And lastly, we love you anyways!

Rattus Scribus said...

Dear Marie
Anita told me that it was my last blog post "Don't get lost in translation: mishearing" that inspired you to write the "Open Apology" to her. I had no idea about the Tricycle event, but I am very happy that I had anything to with a healing process between two people I cherish. Thank you for your courage and humility. I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that you've just gotten closer to your cousin.

Brooke's Blurps said...

that is an amazing story, you shoudl join my blog too!

Castles Crowns and Cottages said...

Bonjour ma chere cousine! Thank you for coming chez moi! I am ALSO READY FOR SOME CELEBRATING! We had the most wonderful Thanksgiving here. I met a blog friend who came out to visit family and it was a surreal experience to meet her! She is a very charming and talented artist.Ruben and I had so much fun having time off from work and to think that I will get two more weeks off for Christmas is so exciting. I wish you the best and most wonderful holiday celebration with the family! Love you, Anita

Circe said...

What a sweet, moving post... I can relate completely! I remember trying to trick my niece (cousin, really, as we are only 18 months apart) out of being the first to make it to the tricycle... I beat her there & I felt bad, but not TOO bad! That fact that I outsmarted her seemed to be what bothered her most, but she got a turn after all. And she will always be younger... so I think that's fair! ;) But I did carry guilt for many years that when I was small, my sister got in trouble because of me, and in my early 20's couldn't take it any longer and plead forgiveness, sobbing, no less. It helped. But I still feel sad to think of it... she seemed heart-broken at the time... but didn't remember it at all later. Go figure! God purifies our hearts with a personal plan for each of us... perhaps that's why... ? Happy to have found your blog..! :)

Brooke's Blurps said...

Hey Marie!
First of all thank you for following me on here, you seem like such a sweet person and I am so glad to have come across your blog! You leave very sweet and encouraging comments so i just wanted to say thanks!
I see on here that you love dancing and I think that is great!
I especialy love your quote on the top of your page. I actually went to a dance tonight and wore some pretty crazy heels and danced the whole night in them. You know most ppl when they get home complain abotu how much their feet hurt, but not me. It just reminds me of how much of a great time I had and how thankful I am that I can dance!